Lose Yourself

PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN ON HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY

"My name is Lucy Greer, and this is my daughter Maya. You must be David."

"How do you know my daddy?"
"Well, your daddy is my daddy too."
"So you're my brother?"

"If you want me to be your brother, I would be honored."

"So, who broke your heart?"

"Love shows no bounds, and then, after I lost my virginity to her, she chose Remi."

"So now you just always choose you?"
"Better to be the dumper than the dumpee, right?"

"Do you really think we can do this?"
"What, have a baby?"
"Yeah."
"I'm in if you are."

"Doesn't it bother you that Cal had this whole other family that we didn't know about?"
"Well, David, if I have learned anything from being married to Calvin Adler, it's that in life you have to be prepared for anything. That way, there are no surprises and no one gets hurt."

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"David, have you been taking a hiatus from studying in this class?"

My AP Gov/Econ teacher, Mr. Jackson, had recently decided that it would be appropriate to point out my lack of APEG skills to the entire class.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well, maybe it's time that you get off of that hiatus."

Ever since we had gotten back from winter break, it had been so hard to focus on school; not only was I balancing work, my social life, and my half-sister Maya, but I had a ton of work to do for The Summit Sentinel and I had to practice my sight-reading for regional auditions. How was I supposed to fit the Production Possibilities Curve into my busy schedule?

APEG wasn't the only class I was struggling in; I was failing miserably at Trig. Identities in Pre-Calc, As I Lay Dying made me want to lay dying, and Jazz Choir on top of all of my music in Acme Choir was presenting more of a challenge than it was worth.

My name is David, and I'm a normal high school student.

And on top of all of the personal shit I was dealing with, I was dealing with a very normal high school problem...

SENIORITIS!!!

And I wasn't the only one of us dealing with it either.

"I haven't done any of my homework, and I don't care."

Michael Florence, Mark Adams, and I all stared in disbelief at Aaron Stanwick.

"Aaron, you haven't missed a homework assignment since 6th grade when you had to stay in during YOTSAW Recess!"

"YOTSAW Recess?"

"Your Opportunity to Sit and Work. If we did all of our assignments over the week, we got an extra recess."

"Oh. Cool."

"I know, I can't believe it either, but it's just that I'm finding it increasingly difficult to focus on my work. I mean, I've already been accepted into BYU, and I got a ton of scholarships, so I just don't see the point in working hard anymore."

"But Aaron, you're up for valedictorian! You're really gonna let Aabheer Padmavati or Susie Chang beat you?"

"What good is being valedictorian?"

"Well, we'd much rather hear you speak at graduation over Aabheer or Susie."

"Although they are both totally worthy candidates."

"You guys, it was one night of homework. And I didn't even have that much. I'll be fine."

But as the first month back at school continued, none of us were fine...

"I failed the Lit Terms exam!"

"I don't understand a THING about Polar Graphs!"

"I'm FAILING choir?"

...not to mention everything else we were all dealing with. As Michael and Leslie approached the end of their first trimester (which was still a secret to us, by the way), they had a lot of baby stuff to deal with.

"Can you believe that in just one week, we're gonna know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"Yeah, it seems like only yesterday that we were freaking out about the possibility of being pregnant. It's a good thing my parents have been so supportive. How are your parents being?"

Leslie was silent.

"Leslie, you DID tell your parents...didn't you?"

"Not exactly..."

"YOUR PARENTS DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'RE PREGNANT???"

"Michael, I wanted to tell them, but everytime I started to, they went into this whole thing about how proud they are of me because I never make any mistakes! And you know what a disappointment my sister is. I can't let them know that I am a disappointment too!"

"How long do you think it's gonna be before they notice your stomach getting bigger?"

"I don't know. How long do you think it'll be before the guys catch on?"

"I wasn't going to tell them until you were ready for everyone to know. Obviously you're not."

"Michael, you know how my parents are! They'll kick me out of the house!"

"You're not going to know unless you tell them. Besides, since all you ever eat is salad, I doubt they'll buy that you're just gaining weight."

While Leslie and Michael dealt with telling their secret, Mal Wales was having a hard time keeping her own.

"Hey Mark!"

"Uh, hey Mal. What leads you to make this completely random conversation that will not lead elsewhere?"

"Relax, no one that cares is around."

"Oh. So what's up?"

"Look--it's just that--well--I'm having a hard time keeping this thing of ours a secret."

"You're the one that didn't want anyone knowing. I would have been happy to tell the entire world."

"I know, but the problem is that if we tell the whole world, how is that going to look for me?"

"It'll look like exactly what it is--you're fucking the hottest guy in school."

"You just don't understand, Mark."

"What don't I understand?"

Mark was clearly clueless.

"Never mind. I'll just--see you later."

"So are we on for tonight?"

"No, I have plans."

"Okay."

As Mal walked away, Aaron and I approached him.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing."

"It didn't look like nothing."

"She was just telling me that--um--she needed help with her part in Salmo."

"She's an alto."

"She wasn't asking for help. She was just making polite dinner conversation."

"But it's 7 in the morning."

"7:00 already? Wow, I've really gotta get to Sociology!"

Mark stormed off, leaving Aaron and I dumbfounded.

"What's up with him?"

"You know, I think it's better not to ask."

"Good point. Anyway, are you and Callie going to my Super Bowl party?"

"That's the plan. Hopefully I won't be asked to babysit."

"Lucy and Maya are still there?"

"Yep."

"Whatever happened to only staying for a couple days?"

"My mom has grown accustomed to the Greers apparently. Personally, I can't get enough of the little one. But there's just something I don't trust about Lucy."

"It's not like she knew the Cal was married."

"I know. There's just--something her that's not right. I don't know what it is, but there's just something I don't trust about her."

"Maybe you need to open up your heart to her. It's what God would want."

"When have I ever cared what God would want?"

"Your Bar Mitzvah?"

"That was a great party."

"Not as great as my Super Bowl party though!"

That day, when Jake and I got home from school, I started thinking about trust (naturally, instead of looking over the Supreme Court cases I had to memorize). I trusted my ex-girlfriend, Joy, until I found out that she cheated on me. I trusted Steve Weiss until his powers of persuasion led me to relapse on Vicodin. I trusted Cal until I found out about every lie he had ever told us. Lucy Greer had given me no reason not to trust her, but still I couldn't find a way to do so. Maybe opening my heart to Lucy was like opening a new box of matches; I wanted to light the candle, but I didn't want to get burned again.

"DAVID!!!"

Maya came running into the living room and jumped into my arms.

"Hey kiddo," I said as I kissed her forehead. "How was preschool today?"

"We learned how to count!"

"That's exciting! How many fingers am I holding up?"

"One-two-THREE!"

"That's right! You are so smart!"

"Not as smart as you!"

"Well, no one's as smart as me," I said, adding a wink. I loved that kid more and more every single day. She was easy to talk to, easy to take care of.

"David, can you watch Maya on Sunday?"

"It depends on what time on Sunday. I'm going to a Super Bowl party."

"Couldn't you take Maya to the party?"

"I would, except that this is the Super Bowl, and I highly doubt that Mark will be able to watch his language."

"What am I supposed to do? My first day working at the Sugar Shop is on Sunday!"

"The Sugar Shop? As in--the strip club?"

"Yes. I auditioned this morning and they gave me the job on the spot!"

"How very--nice for you."

"So you understand why I need you to do this for me?"

"Why don't you ask Jake to do it? He doesn't watch sports."

"I don't think Jake and I have even spoken two words to each other since I got here."

"Well, you'll find that he's very--interesting. And Maya will love him! Please Lucy, I haven't really hung out with my friends in a long time, and as much as I love Maya, I need a night to be a teenager again."

"You're right. I will ask Jake to babysit."

RING RING RING

"Hello?"

"David, I'm calling an emergency meeting at the Coffee Plantation. I've already informed Michael and Aaron and my mom's giving me a ride."

"Don't you have homework?"

"Don't you?"

"Alright, I'll be there in 10."

"Now, I have called you all here this afternoon for a very important reason."

"It better be important. Leslie and I were--dealing with some stuff."

"So, what's going on?"

"Gentlemen, remember when I fell in love with Faye Winston?"

"Who could forget?"

"And remember how I wanted so much more than meaningless sex with her?"

"That's generally how love is."

"And how fucked up I was when I found that she didn't feel the same way?"

"Mark, just spit it out!"

"I'M IN LOVE WITH MAL WALES!"

We were all speechless.

"So, that's why you were talking to her today at school!"

"How did this happen?"

"Well, remember David's Hanukkah party?"

"You mean the one where my entire life changed forever?"

"Well, um, Mal and I sort of fucked in the coat closet."

"DUDE THERE ARE SOME EXPENSIVE COATS IN THERE!"

"Don't worry, I dry-cleaned the ones that were exposed."

"So that's why she no longer wears her purity ring!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, she was waiting until marriage and then one day I noticed it wasn't on her finger."

"Wait wait wait! She was a VIRGIN???"

"And you just took her virginity like it was nothing!"

"I didn't know!"

"Look, it doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that Mark is in love again, and hopefully Mal feels the same way."

"What if she doesn't?"

"Then you'll shake it off and go back to hooking up with random girls like you always do."

"But what if I don't want that anymore?"

"What?"

"I'm beginning to see how wrong it was for me to hook up with all of those girls. I mean, do you know how many STDs I could have gotten?"

"Mark, this is so unlike you. What happened?"

"Mal Wales happened."

So, on that Thursday night in the Coffee Plantation, we planned the perfect way for Mark to reveal his love for Mal. At first, he wanted to serenade her like I did for Joy last Valentine's Day, but we told him that Mal is not the kind of girl who would be impressed by a barbershop quartet. Then he suggested giving her flowers and candy--BAD IDEA. Finally, we decided that the best way to approach it would be for him to just tell her. As romantic of a person as Mark could be, romantic wasn't what Mal needed. She needed real.

Sunday at the Super Bowl party was where we decided the action would take place. I picked up Callie and her and I went to the party together.

Aaron's mom really pulled out all the stops for the party. There were banners that said "Go Saints" as well as banners that said "Go Colts" (The Stanwicks were all about creating peace, not inducing rivalry). There was an assortment of chips and several dips, along with a bag of fresh fried chicken from Albertson's. It was gonna be a good night.

"So, Mark's really turned over a new leaf?"

"It's probably been coming for a while. But I'm proud of him. We're all sort of growing up."

"Last semester of senior year. I guess growing up is to be expected."

"And growing up means being responsible, and balancing priorities."

"Yeah..."

"And priorities include homework, right?"

"I've always made homework a priority."

"Well, starting now, I am too. As of this moment, my senioritis is officially gone!"

"You're so cute when you're getting your priorities straight!"

We kissed in a way that we hadn't in quite a while. I had been so caught up in other things that I almost forgot about the one person who should have been my priority all along.

As the first quarter continued, it seemed that the only person really paying attention to the game was Aaron. Michael kept trying to call Leslie to find out where she was, Mark was trying to focus on what he was going to say to Mal, and Callie and I were enjoying our time with each other. Occasionally we would yell at the screen about a bad call, or laugh at a cute commercial, but my overall focus was on Callie; she was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me.

The Who rocked the half-time show; they were even able to do the infamous scream during "Won't Get Fooled Again" after working up to it for a little bit. As soon as the song ended and the commercials went back on, Mark got up and looked at Mal.

"Hey Mal, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure Mark."

While they walked into the kitchen, there was a knock on the door.

"Hey Leslie! You're just in time for the second half!"

Aaron didn't notice that Leslie's eyes were red from crying.

"Babe, why don't we go upstairs and talk?"

"Okay."

Michael and Leslie went upstairs and stayed by the stairs to talk.

"Gee, if only I had a girlfriend to talk to."

"Don't worry Aaron. You'll find someone."

In the kitchen, Mark was very nervous. The entire future of his and Mal's relationship hung on her decision.

"So, um, what's up?"

"I've been thinking."

"Oh Mark, what have I told you about thinking? You might hurt yourself."

"Mal, this is serious."

"Okay."

"Have I told you lately how great you are?"
"I guess if you're telling me right now, that counts, right?"
"Well, you really are something. You're just the only person who really gets me. You know how to read me, and I feel like we connect on a level that reaches beyond just high school."

"So, they really kicked you out?"

"They didn't even think about it, and they didn't look back."

"Leslie, I'm so--"

"Sorry? Don't be. I don't need anyone to feel sorrow."

"Leslie, would you please calm down?"

"I've been thinking a lot lately about, well, us, and I--um--I--"

"Yes?"

"David, you know that I feel the same way, and that you're the most amazing guy, and that I wouldn't be able to find anyone better in a million years, but there's something I have to tell you."

"Yeah?"

"You just don't understand Michael! Your parents are supporting you! They're supporting this! My parents kicked me out!"

"Whatever happens, we'll get through it TOGETHER!"

"I love you, Mal."

"I got into NYU, David."

"I CAN'T GET THROUGH THIS, MICHAEL!!!"

Whether the shouting threw Leslie off balance, or the stress led her to lose her footing, we didn't know. All we knew was that all of a sudden, we heard a thud as she fell backwards and tumbled down the stairs.

"LESLIE!!! OH MY GOD!!!"

We all ran over to a motionless Leslie as Michael came running down the stairs. Once he was down there, he held her in his arms, agitated with worry.

"SOMEBODY CALL 911!!! Oh my God, Leslie, I'm so sorry! Oh God, I'm so sorry!"

Aaron called 911, and about five minutes later, an ambulence came for her. They put her on a stretcher and Michael went in the ambulence with them. Callie and I took the Prius and Mark and Aaron went in Aaron's red truck, and once we were at the hospital, the only thing to do was wait.

David Adler

Normal High School Student

With a Little Help From My Friends

PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN ON HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY

"My name is Lucy Greer, and this is my daughter Maya. You must be David."

"Look, lady, Cal's in Israel, so if you want to talk to him, you're going to have to go there yourself."
"Are you really going to let a mother and her small child stand out here in the cold?"

"Michael I'm pregnant! What the hell are we going to do?"
"Whatever happens, we will figure this out. Together."

"You promise?"

"Cross my heart."

"Look, about the whole sex in the coat closet thing--"

"I feel the exact same way."

"You do? This is great! I haven't had a fuck buddy in a while!"
"Yeah, but I do have one request if we're going to do this."

"Anything."

"We have to keep it a secret."

"How do you know my daddy?"

"Well, your daddy is my daddy too."

"So you're my brother?"
"If you want me to be your brother, I would be honored."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "DAVID! WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!"

Don't you just love the pitter patter of little feet jumping on your bed while you try to sleep?

"Maya, don't you ever sleep in?"
"Why should I?"
"So that I can sleep in."
"Why do you want to sleep?"
"To escape reality."
"I don't get it."
"Don't worry about it. I'll make you breakfast."

This had been an occurrance every day during break. Not that I really mined that much, but it would have been nice to catch up on all of the sleep I had missed over the semester. It had been such a stressful semester, and matters weren't made any better when the infamous Lucy Greer showed up on my front porch with three year-old Maya, who just happened to be my father's love child.

My name is David, and I'm a normal high school student.

And to be honest, ever since the Greers showed up at my door, I had been quite taken with my new baby sister.

Lucy and Maya knocked on my door about two weeks before winter break started, and in those two weeks, I had been splitting my time between homework, studying for finals, working at the UPS Store, paying attention to Maya, and spending time with my best friends, Michael Florence, Aaron Stanwick, and Mark Adams, as well as my amazing girlfriend Callie Anderson. Now that we were on break, the stresses of homework and finals no longer existed and I could devote more time to each of my other obligations--especially Callie.

"So, when am I going to meet the other woman?"

"Callie, you know you're the only one for me."

"Seriously, you speak so affectionately about her and I want to love her as much as you do."

"Well, I'm babysitting on Saturday night. You should come too!"

"Babysitting?"

"It would be a great chance for you to bond with her, and then after she's asleep, we'll have plenty of time to ourselves."

"Where's everyone else going to be?"

"Well, Jake's gonna be doing...whatever it is he does, and Lucy has decided to take my mom out for a night on the town."

"Your mom and the other woman?"

"Well, according to you, it's not much different than babysitting Maya."

"Shut up."

While Callie and I planned for an evening of babysitting, Michael and his girlfriend Leslie Lawrence began preparing for what was possibly a lifetime of babysitting.

"Now Leslie, this is going to be cold."

"As cold as my heart?"

"Leslie."

The doctor squeezed the sonogram gel onto Leslie's stomach and images of Leslie's uterus showed up on the screen.

"And right there is your baby."

Leslie looked at the image of her unborn child and began to cry.

"I'll give you two a few minutes."

As the doctor closed the door, Michael wrapped his arms around Leslie and she buried her face in his chest.

"I can't believe this is actually happening. What are my parents going to say? What are YOUR parents going to say?"

"Hopefully they'll help us through these next nine months."

"I just don't know why this is happening to me--to US."

"Everything happens for a reason. This child serves a purpose in being born."

As Michael and Leslie contemplated the conception of their unborn child, Mark and Mal Wales were doing a little bit of protected babymaking themselves.

"Oh God, I needed that."

"Um, yeah, me too."

They lay silently in each other's arms for a moment before Mal spoke again.

"So, Mark, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why don't you ever get into relationships?"

"Because I don't see a point. I like having fun and I don't think fun should be restricted to one person."

"I guess that makes sense. So, who broke your heart?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Who's the girl that caused you to never love again?"

"Faye Winston."

"The girl who's dating that Romanian guy? When were you involved with her?"

"Before her and Remi got together--and during."

"Really?"

"What can I say? Love shows no bounds, and then, after I lost my virginity to her, she chose Remi."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, but it's okay because later, after we slept together again, I got to choose me."

"So now you just always choose you?"

"Better to be the dumper than the dumpee, right?"

"I guess."

They lay still for another moment or two.

"So are you ready to jump back on the horse yet."

"Uh, yeah. Giddy up."

While Mark and Mal fucked again, I was at the UPS Store, living the life of a working man.

RING RING RING

"UPS Store, this is David, how may I assist you?"

When I first started working there, I got a huge thrill out of answering the phone, but over time, it had become mundane.

"Hi David."

Steve Weiss, my drug-dealing co-worker.

"Hey Steve."

"Hey, so, um, about Saturday night? Well, I can't cover for you."

"What?"

"Yeah, I have to go to Mexico this weekend."

"Meeting with your drug lord?"

"Uh, yeah actually."

"But Steve, I'm supposed to babysit my half-sister on Saturday night! And there's no one else to cover for me!"

"Well I guess that's your problem. See ya."

"STEVE! ERRRRR!!!"

I hung up the phone angrily and looked up to see a very frightened elderly woman.

"Hi, welcome to the UPS Store! What can I do for you?'

The old lady walked right out the door.

I can't say that I was surprised that Steve bailed on me. We had started out as acquanitences, but then, after he sold me a vicodin and caused me to relapse, we became sworn enemies. Nevertheless, he was the only person that could have covered for me, and now I was back at square one.

"But you don't even like her!"

"David, it's been a really long time since I've gone out. And Lucy's actually not that bad."

"She's Cal's mistress!"

"David!"

"Mom, what am I supposed to do? Lucy can't afford a sitter, and honestly, neither can we!"

"Well, do you know of anyone that might do it for free?"

"No way."

"Absolutely not."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

I love how supportive my friends are.

"Come on, guys! I can't get my shift covered and I can't leave her with a complete stranger--nor can I afford it!"

Blank stares.

"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!"

"Okay!"

"Alright!"

"What's in it for me?"

"A great time with an irresistable little girl."

"I'd rather have a great time with an irresistable grown up girl, but I'll do it. But JUST FOR YOU."

"You guys are the best! Be at my house at 6:30."

"But David, I thought we were going to be babysitting together?"

"Well, you can thank Steve Weiss for bailing on me."

"I hate that guy."

"Anyway, you won't be alone. Mark, Michael, and Aaron will be there."

"Oh joy. Babysitting with the Three Stooges."

"And Leslie's gonna be there too. Besides, my shift ends at 9, so I'll be over later. And it might be better for you all to meet Maya without me there. That way she won't be clinging onto me the entire time."

"Well, I guess the important thing is that we all get to meet her."

"And she is going to love you."

"I hope so."

At 6:30, my friends and girlfriend showed up at my house and officially met Lucy Greer.

"So, she eats at 7 and her bedtime is 8:30. There is a box of Macaroni and Cheese on the counter, and mine and Linda's cell phone numbers are on the refridgerator. Don't watch too much TV with her, and we'll be back at 11."

"Don't worry, Mrs. Greer. We'll take care of your little girl."

"Thanks so much guys. Linda, are you ready?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, let's hit it!"

So my mom headed on her girls' night out with the woman who cost her a night in jail, and my friends went upstairs to meet my half-sister.

Maya was sitting on the floor of my room playing with my old Gameboy when she met everyone.

"Hey Maya. We're David's friends, and we're gonna take care of you tonight."

"Where's brother?"

"He had to work tonight, sweetie."

There was a moment of silence before Maya erupted with tears. Callie hurried to Maya's side and held her in her arms.

"Don't cry, everything's going to be alright. You'll see David tomorrow."

"Promise?"

"Of course."

Callie dried Maya's tears, and suddenly, Maya sprang up to a standing position and pointed at Michael.

"YOU! What is your name?"

"Michael."

"Okay, Michael. You will make me a hot fudge sundae!"

"Come again?"

"DID I STUTTER? HOT FUDGE SUNDAE!"

"But your mom said--"

And in came the waterworks.

"Okay, okay, I'll make you a sundae."

"Thank you. And YOU! What's your name?"

"Callie."

"Okay, Callie, you will braid my hair, and YOU! What's your name?"

"Leslie."

"Leslie, you will paint my nails. Now, for the two other boys. You will find me a throne and a crown, and fan me."

"You can't be serious."

"Oh I'm serious. I'm the QUEEN and everything must be perfect for the ball tonight!"

Mark looked to Aaron for some help protesting, but Aaron went with it.

"We will begin making preparations for the ball, Your Majesty."

And with a bow, the two got to work on finding a throne, a crown, and some leaves to fan her with.

While my friends got to work pampering my sister, I received a surprise visit from Mal Wales at work.

"Hey Mal! Sending a letter?"

"David, why should I pay for postage when I can use e-mail for free?"

"Okay, so what brings you to the UPS Store this fine evening?"

"I need some advice."

"Shoot."

"Well, you've had your heart broken, right?"

"Yeah."

"But you're in a loving, committed relationship, right?"

"Yeah, I love Callie. Why?"

"Well, was it hard?"

"It didn't have to be. I made it really hard because I was scared. Why, who do you like?"

"Just this guy at school who had his heart broken and said he doesn't want to get into a relationship."

"Well, maybe he just needs some convincing. Tell him that sometimes being scared is a good thing in the beginning stages of a relationship."

"Thanks Dave."

All of a sudden, my hardcore boss Jim walked in.

"Well Mal, I'm sorry that your package wasn't deleivered, but that's why you have to make sure to put the proper postage on it."

"Well, I guess it's something to know for next time. Thank you."

As Mal left, I couldn't help wonder who the guy was. Heartbreak was pretty normal for senior guys; it could have been anyone really.

"You know, David, I really need to know about those things."

"Don't worry, Jim. It was just a standard postage miscalculation."

RING RING RING

"UPS Store, this is David."

"David, you have GOT to help me out!"

"What's going on?"

"Your sister's evil. EVIL!"

"Michael, she's 3."

"You don't understand! She is making the girls beautify her, and she's forcing Mark and Aaron to fan her with palm leaves!"

"I don't have palm trees at my house."

"Okay, well, they're fanning her with some sort of leaves, and instead of making the macaroni and cheese that Lucy set out, she's ordered me to make her a sundae!"

"Why didn't you say no?"

"SHE CRIED!"

"Well, why don't you make the mac n' cheese AND the sundae, and just tell her she needs to eat the former before the latter?"

"How do I do that?"

"I don't know, but I'm sure you'll figure something out. I'm at work, so I'll just see you later."

"DAVID!"

After we hung up the phone, Michael took a quick glance inside the living room and watched his friends as they followed through with their conditions of servitude. With newfound determination, Michael opened the box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and began cooking.

After adding a small serving into a bowl, Michael proceeded to offer it to the queen.

"That's not a sundae."

"No, it's macaroni and cheese."

"I WANTED A SUNDAE!"

"You'll have your sundae, Your Majesty. But it is your queenly duty to eat this macaroni and cheese first. You see, at royal balls, it is tradition for the queens to eat macaroni and cheese before they eat their sundaes. EVERYONE knows that!"

"Of course all queens eat macaroni and cheese before eating sundaes! EVERYONE knows that! So, boys, please carry me to the kitchen and the royal ball will begin."

"Yes, Your Majesty."

Mark and Aaron carefully hoisted Maya's throne up in the air and carried her into the kitchen, with Callie following close behind. Michael and Leslie stayed in the living room for a minute.

"That was--amazing. How did you do it?"

"I guess my paternal instincts are kicking in."

They looked into each other's eyes for a moment.

"Do you really think we can do this?"

"What, have a baby?"

"Yeah."

"I'm in if you are."

"I love you so much!"

"I love you, too."

They kissed and then went into the kitchen to enjoy the feast. Then they all danced and played with Maya until it was time to put her to bed. Callie opted to tuck her in.

"I had a lot of fun with you tonight."

"Me too."

"You know, I'm David's girlfriend."

"So, you two are like how my mommy and daddy were."

"Uh, sort of."

"I'm happy you're brother's girlfriend."

"Me too. Goodnight, Maya."

Callie kissed her goodnight and went downstairs. At about 9:15, I got home and everyone was nearly passed out in my living room.

"Hello all."

"David, your sister practically killed us!"

"Oh I know all about your evening of bondage."

"Well I personally enjoyed being bound."

"I knew you would."

I kissed my girlfriend and about an hour later they all went home. Not long after my friends left, Mom and Lucy got home.

Later that night, after Lucy had gone to sleep, I went into my mom's room so she could tell me all about the evening.

"You know, I think I judged Lucy entirely too quickly. She's actually a really nice person."

"That's nice."

"What's wrong?"

"Doesn't it bother you that Cal had this whole other family that we didn't know about?"

"Well, David, if I have learned anything from being married to Calvin Adler, it's that in life you have to be prepared for anything. That way, there are no surprises and no one gets hurt."

Maybe Mom was right. Maybe first impressions shouldn't dictate your feelings for someone. After all, if we were only judged for our mistakes, what would be the point of fixing them and moving past them? Lucy had made some mistakes, but maybe she really was working on redeeming herself.

But on the offchance that she wasn't redeeming herself, I was prepared for anything.

David Adler

Normal High School Student

Open Arms (Season Three Premiere)

PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN ON HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY

"So, where are you going?"
"I'm going to Israel."

"How long of a term is it?"
"Forever."

"You are my present, and hopefully my future, because I love you, and I want us to last so much longer than Joy and I did."
"I love you too, David."

"For someone who's never had sex in a coat closet before, you sure know a lot about escaping."
"I've fucked in a lot of other really odd places. Remind me to tell you about it some time."
"Will do. Anyway, um, great sex, and I'll see you later."

"Hey, where's your purity ring?"
"Oh, must have fallen out somewhere. Oh well."

"I'm late."
"I know, the party started at 5:30, but you're here now, so--"
"No, Michael. I'm late."

"May I help you?"
"I'm looking for Cal Adler."
"He doesn't live here anymore. Um, who are you?"

"My name is Lucy Greer, and this is my daughter Maya. You must be David."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So, where is he?"

I couldn't believe that even with him halfway around the world, Cal still had the power to fuck up my life.

"Would you believe me if I told you he was in Israel?"

"That's hilarious."

"Oh, I wish it was."

Lucy Greer and her daughter stood there, staring at me as though I was a wealth of information.

"Look, lady, Cal's in Israel, so if you want to talk to him, you're going to have to go there yourself."

I was about to slam the door on her face, but before I could--

"WAIT!"

I looked upon Lucy and Maya.

"Are you really going to let a mother and her small child stand out here in the cold?"

My name is David, and I'm a normal high school student.

And while I would have liked nothing more than to watch a bus murder Lucy Greer, I couldn't leave her child out in the cold, nor could I leave the child's mother to flounder.

Meanwhile, as I dealt with my surprise visit, Michael Florence and Leslie Lawrence were dealing with their own surprise.

"Come on, Leslie! How hard is it to pee on a stick?"

"Anytime you would like to take a pregnancy test, please be my guest."

As Michael stood outside Leslie's bathroom, he anxiously awaited the results.

"How long is it supposed to take?"

"Positive results can take as little as 40 seconds, but that's when there's a really high concentration of a certain hormone. They say it's best to take a test in the morning."

"So why didn't we wait until the morning?"

"Would you have been able to sleep tonight knowing that I could be PREGNANT?"

"I guess not."

Leslie sat in the bathroom for about a minute before she opened the door to show Michael.

"You have a lovely home, David. Do you live here by yourself?"

"I'm 17."

"But Cal told me that it was just you and him, and that Jake lived with your mother across town. If Cal, really is in Israel, wouldn't you be alone?"

"David, are your friends still--who is this?"

It's what every man who has an affair hopes would never happen. The mistress meeting the wife.

"Mom, this is Lucy Greer. Lucy, this is MY MOM."

"What are you doing in my home?"

"I'm here to see Maya's father."

"He's in Israel."

"Wait, you weren't kidding when you said that earlier?"

"Not even remotely."

Everyone was silent. Finally, Mom broke it.

"David, you should probably tell your friends to go home."

I went into the living room and saw Aaron Stanwick, Mark Adams, Mal Wales, and Callie Anderson standing by the door listening to everything that was going on.

"Well, Cal's mistress is here, so my mom thinks it's a good idea for all of you to go home."

"Okay. Aaron, can I get a ride?"

"Sure. Do you need one, Mal?"

"No thanks, I'll walk."

"In this weather?"

"It's alright, I don't mind the cold. And it's not very far from here."

"Okay, let's go."

"I'll meet you in the car."

"Okay."

While I walked Aaron out to his red truck, I explained what was going on.

"That's not right. She can't just show up at your house."

"Well, I guess she can because she just did. God, you have no idea how much I wanted to just slam the door in her face for all the grief she's caused us, but then I saw the daughter, and for some reason I just couldn't."

"It's because you still have compassion in your heart."

"Thank you, Father Aaron."

"Hey, I'm Mormon, not Catholic."

It was nice to be able to talk to him about this kind of stuff again. We had just come off of breaking off our friendship, and it was really hard easing back into it. I finally felt like we were best friends again.

While Aaron and I had our heart-to-heart, Mark and Mal were having one of their own.

"Look, about the whole sex in the coat closet thing--"

"I feel the exact same way."

"You do? This is great! I haven't had a fuck buddy in a while! This is going to be so much fun!"

"Uh--yeah--fuck buddies--sounds great."

"Why do I get the feeling we're not on the same page."

"Oh, Mark, we're totally on the same page. Yeah, um, you're the best I've ever had."

"I get that a lot."

"I'm sure. Well, I guess I'd better go home now."

"You're sure you don't want Aaron to drive you."

"No, that's okay. I've got--a lot on my mind."

"Okay, well, we'll definitely fuck again soon!"

"Yeah, but I do have one request if we're going to do this."

"Anything."

"We have to keep it a secret."

Mark looked at her with surprise.

"Secret?"

"Look, no offense, but I see the bimbos that you usually copulate with and I don't want people thinking I'm a bimbo. That's just not who I am."

"Okay, sure. Your secret's safe with me."

So the fuck buddies went outside to Aaron's car and we all said goodbye to each other. Mal gave Mark an awkward hug as she started walking toward her house.

"Did something happen between the two of you? You both seem a little awkward around each other."

"Nothing's awkward! Everything's fine! I barely saw her all night!"

"Don't worry, Dave. I'll try to get it out of him on the ride home."

"Okay. See you guys later."

Callie and her parents, Robert and Suzanne were still in the house, but they were all on their way out.

"Linda, it was a pleasure meeting you."

"Yes, I certainly hope this won't be the last time we meet. David, always good to see you."

"Yes, David, take care of yourself. Come now, Calliope."

Callie's parents went out to the car to give us a moment.

"If you need me, I'll come right over."

"I know, and I love you for that."

"I love you too. Goodnight."

We kissed and then the Anderson family went home.

As I walked back into the kitchen, where Lucy and Maya had likely made themselves very comfortable, I knew that I was officially alone in this. I had my mom, but I had no distractions from the situation. I had to deal with it.

I sat down at the table, where Lucy, Maya, and Mom were already sitting. It was silent for what seemed like an hour before Lucy said the first words.

"So this is where Cal comes home to."

"Yes, this was his home."

"I always wondered why I could never come over to his place and why he never spent the night. Did you--"

"Know? Yes. But I didn't know about the child until I was arrested on his behalf."

"I really am sorry about that, by the way. I just--I was so angry at Cal for abandoning us. When I lost my job, I couldn't afford to take care of myself, let alone my own daughter. I needed that child support check every month. I know that we weren't married, let alone divorced, but the court said that he would have to help support us, and he did for a while."

"Really? Because he didn't have a dime to give to us."

"Well, I can't control that. He should have been supporting both families."

"He shouldn't have another family."

While my mom and Lucy talked, I couldn't help but fixate on Maya, this innocent little girl. She knew Cal not for what he was, but for who he could have been. She loved Cal with all her heart because she didn't know how to not love him. She had no idea how much he had hurt her because she didn't know the difference between heartache and neutrality. And I remembered a time where I allowed my own naivety to stand in the way of me feeling anything toward Cal except for love. As a child I looked forward to being with Cal. He was the "fun" parent, the one who would take me out of class for a "doctors appointment" when we would really be seeing Star Wars, Episode I. I longed to be naive again just so I could feel that way.

I couldn't let Maya be subjected to this. At the age of three, one needs to have that perfect image of their father.

"Hey Maya, I have some old toys up in my closet. Do you want me to get them down and we can play while the grown-ups talk?"

"Oh that sounds like a great idea! Go on, Maya."

Without a word, Maya got up from the table and followed me upstairs to my room.

As I looked for some blocks or legos or hot wheels, Michael and Leslie looked for another pregnancy test.

"Shit. This is the third positive one. Oh my God, I'm pregnant. Michael I'm pregnant! What the hell are we going to do?"

Michael wrapped his arms around her.

"Leslie, I'm just as scared as you are."

"No you're not! You don't have another person growing inside you!"

"But I had a significant role in creating that person. Besides, it could just be a bunch of false positives."

"Yeah right! Three false positives!"

Leslie began to cry in Michael's arms.

"How could this happen? We used protection. You wore a condom, and I took the pill every single day."

"Unfortunately nothing's 100% except for abstinence."

"Well I think it's kind of late for that, don't you think?"

"Just a little."

They were silent as they held onto each other.

"We have options."

"I'm not getting an abortion."

"I'm not talking about killing it. We could give it up for adoption."

"Oh yeah, and then in 19 years some Cornell student will show up at my front door and say I'm his mother."

"It could be a girl."

"Michael!"

"I'm sorry. Look, whatever happens, we will figure this out. Together."

"You promise?"

"Cross my heart."

As Michael and Leslie made possibly the biggest decision of their entire on/off relationship, Mal walked home thinking about Mark, and how he just wanted to be her fuck buddy, and she wanted so much more. Who was to say that she was any better than any of the other girls Mark had been with? She looked at her n0w bare ring finger. For the first time since she had vowed to wait until marriage, she felt unclean. But she also felt good, like it was meant to happen.

As Mal walked the rest of the way home, Maya and I had started our mission to build the roller coaster of roller coasters with hot wheels. She didn't talk very much, but it was okay. I just enjoyed having an excuse to play hot wheels.

I turned the motor on, and the buzzing sound gave both Maya and me a sense of excitement.

"Now, Maya, don't put your hand anywhere near the motor, because if your hand touches one of the white spinny-thingies, you'll get sucked into the motor and you'll never be seen or heard from again."

It made her laugh to think that she would get sucked into the motor, but she listened to me and picked out a shiny yellow car to zoom across the hot wheels tracks.

"Please keep your hands, feet, and egos inside the vehicle at all times."

I placed the yellow car behind the motor, and with a soft tap, it zoomed across the bright red tracks, looped the loop-de-loo, glided upon each turn, and ended up right back at the motor just in time to go again and again. I could tell that Maya enjoyed watching the car zoom through because at the end of each run she applauded and went straight back to the look of amazement as the little car sped across the track. After it had done a few runs, Lucy came into my room.

"Come on, Maya. It's time for bed."

"But Mommy--"

"No buts. We will be sleeping downstairs on the couches. We're only going to be here for a few days while we figure out what to do next."

Lucy went back downstairs before Maya left my room.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"David?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you know my daddy?"

"Well, your daddy is my daddy too."

"So you're my brother?"

No one had given me that title in a very long time. Even Jake, whom I had known since his birth, hadn't acknowledged me as such in years.

"If you want me to be your brother, I would be honored."

"Goodnight, brother."

She kissed me on the cheek and went downstairs.

It had been a night of emotions. Love, hatred, confusion, fear, and even doubt had all come to play on that first night of Chanukah. Unfortunately, emotions not only dictate how we feel, but they play a significant role in the things we do. Out of anger, I almost shut the door on Lucy and Maya Greer. Out of pity, I let them into my home. Out of a need to protect, I led Maya away from the adult conversation. And out of love, I allowed the little girl into my heart.

I could still be angry at Lucy, but Maya was a little girl. It wasn't her fault that both of her parents, unknownst to her, really sucked.

David Adler

Normal High School Student

Season Three Preview - It's Almost Here!

LAST SEASON ON HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY

David dealt with the aftermath of a car accident, suffered through an addiction to painkillers, and fell in love.

Aaron saved David from self-destruction, broke the bro-code, and realized how lost he became without his friends.

Michael lost his virginity, embraced his relationship, and helped his friends through some hard times.

Mark fell for a girl who Aaron took away, ended his friendships with all of the guys, allowed himself to be influenced by drugs, and realized his stupidity.

BUT THAT'S NOT ALL!

Cal decided to leave again, this time going to Israel.

Libby moved out.

Mal gave Mark her virginity.

Leslie might be pregnant.

AND TO TOP EVERYTHING OFF...

Lucy Greer showed up on David's front porch with Maya, her and Cal's love child!

So the only question is...

What happens next?

HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY

THE FINAL SEASON

Premieres THIS WEEKEND!

Did You Know: The Coffee Plantation

Did you know?

The Coffee Plantation, where David, Aaron, Michael, and Mark hang out every week is an actual coffee place in Scottsdale, Arizona.

There are two locations: one is at the Scottsdale Shea Center, and the other is on Frank Lloyd Wright Blvd. I go to the one at Scottsdale and Shea a lot because of the zen atmosphere and the delightful smell of roasted coffee beans.

Unlike David, I actually do not drink coffee, but I do drink a lot of hot chocolate in the wintertime. During the warmer months, I like to go next door to the Gelato Spot to get some delicious strawberry gelato with my friends or family.

Check out the real Coffee Plantation or visit the fictional one on

HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY

THE FINAL SEASON

January 2010

Did You Know: Mastheads

Did you know?

Every season, there is a new Masthead at the top of the page. The masthead includes HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY in big letters, along with visual representations of the characters as created on sp-studio.de.

The point of the masthead is to give the readers a more visual idea of the characters. Each season they look slightly different, representing that many changes happen throughout high school, including changes of appearance. The two things that never change are the hair colors and the text colors, represented by an article of their clothing.

Check out next season's masthead on

HIGH SCHOOL NORMALITY

THE FINAL SEASON

January 2010